Sailor SaturnCoast to Coast: Ano's Summer Project
by Inspector Dim
Summary: Sailor Saturn has a talk show. Completed! Over and out!
1. A bunch of freaks

SAILOR SATURN COAST TO COAST  
Ano's student project  
  
By PD Wright   
  
I own not this show, so to sue is wasting our time.  
  
On the screen, a young girl. A twity, slightly unlikable girl..  
"Hey!!" Said the girl, annoyed.  
Sorry.   
The scene brightens, revealing Miaka sitting in a large chair, with slight MASTERPIECE  
THEATRE ambiance. She is holding a book.  
"Hi. Welcome to this edition of Sailor Saturn Coast to Coast. I'm your host, Miaka. And I'll be  
bringing you some adventures from this book.."  
"Wrong intro, Miaka!" A voice yelled from offstage.  
"Oops.. Sorry. What I meant was.. We'll be bringing you some choice selections from the Sailor  
Saturn tv show, selected with utmost care and delicacy. Now, sit back as Sailor Saturn interviews  
that dashing man in a tuxedo, the very drool-worthy.."  
"Miaka!"  
"Er.. The very dashing Mamoru Chiba, Sailor Moon's future husband and lover.." she sighed.  
"Oh.. That's so romantic.."  
  
The screen fades, fading in on a set. A set, set against a large window, with the planet Saturn in  
the background. A desk and monitor sit in the middle. In the seat behind the desk sits Sailor  
Saturn, in her much more elegant S-season costume. On the monitor is Mamoru Chiba.  
At the side of the stage, right, is a combo of yoma, led on keyboard, by Zoicite, former general  
of the Dark Kingdom. The combo is pounding out what amounts to a thrash version of Moon  
Light Densetsu, though it's not even that good. Saturn is tilting her head, watching Mamoru   
suggestively.  
"Hello Kitty.. I mean, why is it called Hello Kitty, when it could be called just Kitty. Or maybe  
it's like He-llo Kitty, like that show.."  
"Alright, we're back with Mamoru Chiba. Tell us, what's the scoop now?"  
"Well, you ever tried to grow throwing roses? I tell ya, Miracle Grow doesn't work on them."  
"Umm.."  
"Well, we are at the moment on the lookout for new computer lines. Sailor Mercury has been  
trying to get her computer upgraded to Crystal Tokyo for windows for ages, but Usagi hasn't  
been able to fashion the necessary modules, so.."  
"Wow.."  
She sighed, looked at her card.  
"So, Mamuru, any last words of wisdom for our viewers?" Saturn asked.  
"Hotaru, I wanna party with you!" he said, his face crossed with a wicked smile.  
"What, with a party cake and all?" she asked, her voice low and suggestive.  
"If you like, sure."  
"What about Usagi-san and ChibiUsa-chan?"  
"Ahh, screw 'em.."  
"I'm sure you'd like to.."  
"Eventually, sure.. "  
"Well.. Let's party then!"  
"Mmmm.."  
"Alright then."  
And she clicked her blue card on the desk.   
  
And, Miaka suddenly appears on screen.  
"And so ends another tale in the Sailor Saturn saga. And next, we have Sailor Saturn confounded   
by the disturbing antics of a purple-dressed villain. Watch as she gets so flustered, she asks  
Wiseman if he has any non-freaks to put in her monitor. Now, sit back, and enjoy, this tale, far in  
the future.."  
Same set, different show..   
A figure in the monitor. A person dressed in purple. His chin is shaped so that it's difficult to tell   
what gender the figure is. His outfit resembles, vaugly, a cat.  
"Hello, all!" said the figure.  
"And just who," Sailor Saturn said, her voice barely betraying her annoyance, "are you supposed  
to be?"  
"I am the next ruler of the world, head of Galactor.."  
"WiseMan!" Sailor Saturn stormed at the monitor, "Have you any non-freaks to put in my  
monitor?"  
"Well..." Wiseman paused, considering his alternatives, which were none.  
"No," he finally said.  
"Oh, that's just great," Saturn said, her voice dripping sarcasm.  
"Hey, where's Sailor Saturn? Get her now!" said the purple figure in the monitor.  
"Oh, shut up," she said, anger filling her cute little voice like clouds.  
"Say," the purple figure on the monitor now said, "you know, your less cute on tv.."  
"Alright, that does it," she said, bringing her glaive down parallel with the figure on the screen.  
Suddenly, the figure flicked, and faded from view.  
"So.. Anyone know just WHO that was?" she said, turning to her bishoned bandleader.  
"Some poor hermaphrodite, to scared to face the world without a silly mask," commented  
Zoicite, brushing his long blond hair from his face with one stroke.  
  
Miaka appeared, her hands clapping in the air.  
"We hope you've enjoyed this part of the Sailor Saturn sequence. This is Miaka-chan, saying  
we'll be right back..."  
As the screen fades to black, she is seen muttering, "I don't see why this sailor suited cow is  
so popular.." 


	2. A unexpected host

Sailor Saturn Coast to coast   
  
Chapter two  
  
Miaka, looking thru the old book, muses in amusement.  
"Don't see why Yui could read this and I couldn't.."  
"Miaka!" Said the usual offscreen voice.  
"Tamahome!"  
"Miaka!"  
Sweatdrops fall off all the crew.  
"We are on, Miaka," A diffrent voice intones.  
"Oh, right," she says, "Um.. the next segment!"  
  
Wiseman adjusted a control. The viewscreen flashed, a figure apeared.  
"Switch on," He said, "Here's the senshi."  
"Not quite, man," said the figure, now revealed as a woman, with long dark hair, a purple beaded dressed, a cold dark expression on her face, wich seemed several years older then Sailor Saturns.  
Zoicite gaped: "Sailor Saturn's evil doppolganger, Mistress Nine?!?"  
"But we thought.."  
"I was dead? That Sailor Moon and Saturn had destroyed me long ago? Wrong! I'm back! And this show is the first to fall!" she said, doing the evil villioness' laugh.  
"Why take this show over," Zoicite said, "It sucks."  
"not now that I'm on it!"  
To the camera she said, "Hi, fans!"  
"hoo-boy. Some people just don't know when to stay dead," Wiseman muttered.  
"I heard that, cloak boy."  
Mistress Nine's hair, reaching the floor already, seemed to lengthen even further. It snaked around Wiseman, slammed him agienst the far wall. He counted the circuling Inuki's around his head.  
"Now then, villion fans, we are going to swing! My first guest is that master of evil, hip cat extroidare, Akio Ohtori! Welcome, Akio!"  
On the screen, lowering slowly from the cieling, a dark skinned man appeared, white hair brushed unruly over a sinister expression. He had on a uniform of white, red piping completing the ensamble.  
"Who's the clown?" Asked Zoicite.  
"Quiet, baka bish, let the cool bish speak."  
"Hi, all. Hi, lovely," he said, in a deep dark voice.  
  
Miaka sat in her chair, looking at the moniter in a dreamy way.  
"Suteki....."  
"Miaka!"  
  
"So, Akio, what's been happining with you these days?"  
"Well, darling, I'm currently looking for another assitant to revolutinize the world, since my baka sister went off after that pink-haired harlot, and the student council are busy with thier usual daily angst practise..."  
"Fascinating."  
"Say, Mistress Nine, I hear your pretty good at this revolution business. Want a job?"  
"Let me think it over, lover boy."  
"Take all the time you need, baby."  
"Reminds me of someone.." Wiseman muttered. Zoicite looked over and commented:  
"Hmmm, yeah.. Nephrite!"  
"Nah.. Prince Diamond!"  
"Il Palazo!"  
"Allen Schezer!"  
Meanwhile, Mistress Nine continued her talk with the chairman of Ohtori Acadamy.  
"So tell me, how does one go about revolutinize the world anyway?"  
"Well, it's like this..."  
"Roy Fokker!" Wiseman said.  
"Zechs Marquille!"  
"You mean Millardo Peacecraft!"  
"Whatever!"  
"He's just a Char Azonable rip-off, anyway!"  
"Hey!"  
"Bet you twenty bucks it's Roy Fokker!"  
"Your on, Wiseman."  
"So, Akio... tell me, who inspires the chairman's style?" asked Mistress Nine, ignoring the debate going on by the bandstand.  
"My style is influinced by civil war fashions... Oh, and Roy Fokker!"  
  
Roy Fokker preens in front of a mirror, combing his unruly blonde hair.  
"Some people just have it, ya know."  
  
At the bandstand, Zoicite has donned a frilly red outfit, more at home on Librechi then a bishonen like him.  
"What? Has the Flaming Shonen been gyped out of twenty bucks!"  
"Zoicite.." Mistress Nine extalled, in a low dangerous voice.  
"What?"  
"Don't be such a drag."  
"It's what I am, man."  
He procedes to play "I feel pretty" on the keyboard.  
  
And the screen suddenly turns back to Miaka..  
"Um, yeah.. we hope you enjoyed that sketch, from beyond the edge of space, the edge of time."  
"More, after this..."  
As the screen darkens again, she said:  
"If this clown can get a show, why can't I?"  
More fades.  
"I mean, even Yui has a show..."  
Fadeout. 


	3. Hungry Creatures

SAILOR SATURN: COAST TO COAST-ANNO'S SUMMER PROJECT  
  
Part 3  
  
By PD Wright  
  
Fade in: Miaka looks up, see the camera on. She smiles cutely, or at least, in an attempt. She laughs, says:  
"Hello, loyal viewers. Welcome back to Sailor Saturn Coast to Coast.   
"In this installment, Sailor Saturn chats with Hanagumi star, Sumire Kanzaki, who wants to discuss her upcoming retirement, but Sailor Saturn never gets to it. Also, their joined by Zoicite's friend from the Dark Circus, Fish's Eye. Sit back, and enjoy."  
  
Fade to: The Coast to Coast set. On the viewer is Sumire, in her game three outfit, looking fairly upset. Saturn is chatting on.  
"So, Ms. Kanzaki, what's next for you?"  
"Well, you see..."  
"What's next on your plate?"  
"Plate?" She blinked, "I guess.. I'll be driving to lunch."  
At the bandstand, Zoicite, with Fish's Eye standing behind him, perked up.  
"Lunch? Take us, please!"  
"No", Sumire said,firmly.  
"Aw, c'mon."  
"No."  
"C'mon, Kanzaki, buy us some dinner."  
Sumire straightened her headband, said: "Look, we're here to discuss my retirement.."  
Fishs' Eye, bored, said, "God, I'm bored."  
Zoicite smirked, smacked him on the head, said:   
"Shadup, Fishboy. You just wanna go hit on some pretty boys."  
"Who're you been talking to?"  
"You, queerboy."  
Fishs' Eye bristled, but remained silent.   
Saturn, meanwhile, smiled and said:   
"Maybe we can get Kanna to take us."  
Kanna Kirishima appeared beside the bandstand, waved at her fans.  
"You bet!" She said, enthusiastically.  
"Great!" Saturn said, "See you then!" As, on the monitor, Sumire looked aghast, and the rest of the Hanagumi cheered.  
  
Suddenly, Miaka appears on the screen, shocking the diabetics in the audience, and getting the author in trouble with the medical community. She smiles again, still trying to be cute and adorable, says:  
"We hope you enjoyed the adventures of the Sailor Soldier of Talk Show Hosting, Sailor Saturn. Unfortunately they never managed to make that dinner date with Sumire, as Fishs' Eye was devoured by Zoicete, as an off-camera snack. Our last outing is our most challenging. In this one, Sailor Saturn has grown a yoma in a tank, trying to keep it as a pet. Though I doubt Michiru would approve. But, anyway, as this segment opens, Saturn is chatting with the hyper, and rather disturbingly, cute idol singer Minmay.."  
Off camera, someone hissed, "Minmei!"  
"..As, at the bandstand, Zoicite tries to disrupt the proceeding with his hypnosis. And now, another adventure..."  
  
On the monitor is Minmei, er Minmay, er, the idol of Macross. She is in one of her over-frilly stage outfit, looking like an over-dressed doll. Saturn leans on her hand, looks at the girl warily.  
"So, Minmei, what's new with you?" she asked.  
"Aw, c'mon, Saturn, I came on your show 'cause I'm a big fan, not to plug something.."  
"WRONG! Next question: Superpowers, what have you got?"   
Minmei looked surprised, upset, she fidget, said:  
"Well, my power is in my music.. I have the power to bring peace to warring aliens.."  
Saturn grunted.  
"And... I, um, have the power to influence others to singing careers, and to try my methods.."  
Saturn looked unimpressed. More fidgeting from Minmei.  
"..And, um, I can create love triangle just by singing."  
Saturn looked actually impressed. She did a very cute smile.  
"That's enough to get you on this show."  
"Yeah.. not much call lately for galaxy-saving idols.."  
"So, what'd ya think of Ryu Soma?"  
"He's a nut, totally off his rocker, a bish with an obsession.."  
Saturn looked at the bandstand, as Zoicite looked up, said:  
"Zoicite pretty nutty, ain't he?"  
Minmei looked put-off, fidgeted some more, said:  
"Um, sure, hi there, Zoicite, you pretty girl.."  
Zoicite looked annoyed, said, "Boy!!"  
Minmei caught herself quickly, said, "Oh, yeah, sorry.. er, my powers are beyond yours!"  
Zoicite smirked, his eyes became a kaleidoscope.  
"Do a B-Flat!" He ordered a blandly staring Minmei. She immediately sang out the note. Saturn looked on, bored. To Wiseman, behind the studio controls, she said, "Who do ya pick on the third, Wiseman?"  
"I figure, out of the contenders, the Red Terror for starters, the Blue Harbinger on second, followed by the Whiney Coward."  
Saturn checked her book, making several marks inside.   
"What about the Armless Stooge and the Angel of Free Expression?"  
"Rank outsiders. I suggest go with the three."  
Meanwhile, Zoicite, bored, now ordered the hypnotized Minmei to put her feet about her shoulders. She had had them over and beyond that, when Saturn noticed.  
"Hey, that's cute. How's that feel?"  
Minmei's voice was muffled, but she said, "Kinda painful, but good at the same time."  
"Coo-ol!"  
"Hey, Saturn, can you help me here?"  
"Eh?"  
Minmei repeated the request. Saturn's eyes went kaleidoscope, she chanted a phrase, and Minmei returned to normal. Or at least whatever was normal for her.   
"You know, Minmei, all this reminds me of a story, of a yoma, who with a little grit and a lot of will, grew up to be a oni."  
Minmei laughed, said, "She also stole some energy from the Dark Kingdom energy source."  
Saturn laughed also, said, "And that oni was called, Tama-chan."  
Just then, a fearsome creature erupted from the purple lab, billowing with yellow power, looking like a half-naked Rei Ayanami, or an unreasonable facsimile thereof. This creature bounded for the studio floor, glaring down onto Saturn and her guests. Zoicite said:  
"Hey, fanservise. C'mere, fanservise."   
"Tama-chan," Saturn said, in delight, "How energetic! Finding your way to the set..."  
"Here, Fanservise.." Zoicite called. The creature raised it's arms, sending a large energy blast towards the bandstand. Zoicite looked surprised, went "Eeep", and then the blast hit. Minmei looked like something was crawling up her leg.  
Wiseman said, "That's some fanservise this story has.."  
The creature raised it's arms again, sending another large energy blast towards the bandstand. Zoicite had only time to scream like a girl before it hit. Saturn looked astonished. Minmei, hiding behind her chair, said:  
"Well, um, I gotta go now!" and her image vanished.   
"What have I unleashed?!?!" Saturn screamed. The creature sized her up, energy building in it's hands. Saturn grabbed her weapon, pointed it straight at the thing. Kunzite, meanwhile, had appeared, and was cradling Zoicite's prone form.  
Saturn, in a low, menacing tone, said, "Alright, you, come and get some."  
The creature launched a large energy blast towards the small form of Sailor Saturn, who was already spinning her weapon around, energy building and building, and then..  
"Silent Crash!" Saturn yelled, sending a purple wave of energy towards the creature.   
  
And, infuriating enough, at this point, Miaka suddenly appears again.  
"And here, explosions rock the set, sending waves of energy around. And when it clears, there is Sailor Saturn, sitting on her super-heroic backside."  
A few groans sound beyond camera. Miaka looks alarmed, says:  
"And, at this point, we return to the story.."  
  
Saturn, sitting on the ruined set, in front of her desk, her weapon cradled in her lap. Tears stream down her face, an occasional sniff left her. She wiped her eyes on her glove.   
"Why," she said, sobbing, "Why. Why do we always destroy the things we love? Why? Why? Tama-chan!"  
She yelled to the sky, "TAMA-CHAN!!!!"  
  
And with that, Miaka appear again. She smiles, in what she hopes is cute.   
"And that concludes our highlight package of Sailor Saturn Coast to Coast, compiled by you, the fans, from your suggestions, and the like. We hope you enjoyed this program, from the very reaches of space, and time. I'm Miaka, your energetic host. Bye"  
The picture fades, the theme music starts, sounding like Sonic Youth as composed by John Cage.  
Just below the music, Miaka's voice can be barely heard.  
"Do you think I did a good job of impressing the suits?"  
Credits roll pass.  
"I mean, I tried to be nice to that silly girl and all."  
The producer credits roll.  
"What?!?"  
The director's credit.  
"No, what?"  
A blank screen.  
"Eeeep!! I didn't see you there, Producer-san!!"  
A Purple Silence Production, inc.  
Hope you all enjoyed this. I'm considering making it a full series of stories, but I don't know. Please let me know if you enjoy it, hate it, or think it's only service is on the bottom of a virtual bird cage.   
Oh, well....  
  
PD Wright, March 30, 03 


End file.
